2010/04/20

even buddha used to be a primate…

these days i am busy at work and i have a little headache from staring at the computer.


But it is still a good day today.  in the morning an elementary school classmate called me if i wanna join him in the test visit of the Expo.  i didn't see the missed call until noon so didn’t go. but it is nonetheless a nice thing to hear from people.  and at noon, a high school classmate called me - so with him and another classmate that i haven't seen since graduation had lunch together -- with their colleagues as well.  in the afternoon, just when i was getting sleepy from work, i got a call from a colleague in hk -- nice to catch up (and business does not sound so bleak).  


all these kind of cheer me up.  i suppose hiding in that little corner cube is not exactly good for my mental health.  and it sucks to be quiet for a whole day. after all, primates are social animals.  with all those buddhist thinking and understanding of eternal suffering, i am not a quiet loner yet. 


Dzongsar Khyentse Rinpoche will be in Hong Kong on May 5 to teach.  i am a little tempted to go.  but i guess i will end up not going for fear of disillusionment when you see the real guy. and i am hardly such a dramatic person (not desperate enough yet i guess).  his books are good enough.  and based on those teachings, whether i go or not should not matter, hehe.  and i hope to see the video of the teachings online later on to enlighten my mind.

2010/04/19

换个气场

并不喜欢而且有点害怕但又不得不做的事,一件件也硬着头皮做了。确实没什么好怕的。另外,对人又有了些顿悟。只是,我是真的那么后知后觉地迟钝吗?我怎么能愚蠢这么久?不过,不要紧,过一阵就好了。

直面自己的软弱,领会世界的惨淡,死皮赖脸地活着,我应该还算勇士一名。我要继续勇敢下去。

我的决心,经常不了了之。然后重蹈覆辙。所以在这里白纸黑字地写下来,给自己提个醒儿。

上周见到若干好久没见有趣的朋友,生活的热情有点感染我。我还是不要东想西想,赶紧把To Do List上事做完,再写几篇正经文章改变一下自己厌世的情绪吧。

是需要调调风水换个气场啦。

2010/04/09

Life is a random walk

because of the stupid tax thing, i am today forced to think about retirement.  i never bothered to know those terms and rules; just saw IRS and 401K taking a chunk of my salary.  though i’m no longer that aspiring in my work (or maybe i have been daydreaming about something else totally irrelevant), i thought i still have a future.  but what the hell, i am forced to think about retirement today.  that seems to tell me, well, your future will be exactly the same as your present.  so it is time to think.

like many people, i always say i don’t wanna work; i just wanna hang out.  well, retirement is the time when you can fully hang out.  but that is not something i can picture now; i just lack in imagination – there are other stages of life i can’t imagine myself to be in whereas they are so natural to others.  guess i am mentally challenged in this regard.

but the stupid tax makes me think where i will end up in the long run.  they say one has to be the master of one’s destiny.  i envy people who know so well what they want and where they want to be.  i just don’t know.  there is nothing that i’m dying for because well, everything is impermanent, so why get so obsessed and focused.  absence of a clear preference and expectation of changes make an early decision difficult.  looking back at my life so far- i didn’t plan to study in the U.S. until i studied for GRE due to a misunderstanding for something else. in order not to waste the efforts and the test result, i applied for grad school in U.S…  then a mechanical click on Submission button of my resume, after numerous same clicks sending my resume to numerous places, brought me to WB.  And then simply because other people’s turnover, i was asked to come back to China.  and now WB is WFB.

the stupid tax thing is making me ask myself where i want to end up. that also contains the question, how i want to end up?  sounds like a big decision, something i have been ignoring because 1. i really don’t know, 2. i’m scared, 3. i may want a totally differnet life but am pissed off that i don’t know what i want -- so i am shutting down.

i suddenly think of a stupid best seller – Purpose Drive Life. simply the title puts me off.  i hate all those self-help advice books or powerpoints preaching the wisdoms of life – they are just cliche and brainwashing crap.  a woman held as hostage read a chapter of this book to her captor and he let her out later.  you would think this is a magic book straight from god.  no, it turned out she also made him pancake and gave him crystal methamphetamine (illegal). i love the humor of this story.

it occurs to me that life with no purpose is the real human condition (that no one wants to admit to) – no wonder it sucks to plan for and commit to a future when everything is subject to change.  no wonder that book is a best seller -- exactly because people can’t find a purpose.

and my answer to tax/retirement is “whatever”.

2010/04/02

天水之间天水围 (04/02/2010)


DSC_2013
Originally uploaded by Huan!
重述快乐的时光,总显得有些轻浮;回想郁闷的日子,又感觉相当疲惫。只有苦中作乐最有意思,可以回味。

一棍子打到无数人,得出这样的结论,人非但有点贱,还都挺疙瘩,对快乐和痛苦的混合比居然还有追求。在香港时每周末皆要出去探索的我,觉得天水围大雨之行需要优先记录。

知道天水围这个地方,还是从电影《天水围的日与夜》。该片打倒了《赤壁》《画皮》之类的烂片,得了当年的香港电影金像奖。可见钞票不是万能的!Wikipedia 说这个地处元郎位置偏远的市镇,人口密集,失业率高,平均收入较低,“伦常悲剧”新闻不少。地铁单程到中环就要20多块,这对低收入阶层来说就把他们隔绝了。总之听上去蛮悲情,但电影没有去渲染这一点,亦无凄惨转折的情节,只是平淡而现实地反映了小人物的日常生活,在细节中体现了温情,电影英文名The Way We Are 就说明了这一点。

2006开始, 天水围有了个湿地公园。从我去年计划要去香港时,Indra就说了很多遍与我同去,可是到最后,还是放了我鸽子。好在我们之间不是《春光乍泄》里那两个男人的关系,湿地公园也不是阿根廷的瀑布或世界尽头的灯塔。独自行路、听音乐和拍照共同进行,我也乐在其中。

可我没打算还要打伞!

2月7日星期天早上起来,不快地发现下着中雨。鉴于这是近来在此地的最后一个周末,而我这种强迫症患者总是希望彻底扫荡每一个我去的地方,宅在家中就令人扫兴。我乐观地想,等到了那儿,雨就停了吧。

地铁换西铁,来到天水围站,再换本区行驶的轻铁,路线图错综复杂。每个站名都以天开头,什么天福天瑞天荣。香港那么注重口彩的地方,居然有这么多地方听上去和天堂有关,奇怪。轻铁原来就是一节长的有轨电车,令人想起费城摇摇晃晃的电车,不过要新多了;窗外是细高细高的住宅楼,也不是黑咕隆咚煤矿般粗糙的地道。一个多小时后,终于到了目的地。对于长年只在港岛出没的动物们,这确实很遥远。

下车时,暴雨倾盆,雨水恶狠狠地落在地上又高高地溅起,就像夏天的午后。正常人对这种天气都避之不及,我硬着头皮走在雨中。

湿地公园基本没有游客。电影院被我包场,看了《国家地理》的短片,地球升温几度将引发多少灾难和毁灭。其实,现在天灾人祸,人心堕落,已有末世之相,罗贯中定会写“种种不祥,非止一端”。

杭州西溪湿地才像湿地,湿地公园明显就是公园,可以看见远处的住宅楼。顺着小道和木桥走,没什么特别。我刻意寻找雨中的特有景色,希望抓到别致的镜头。我痛苦地用脖子和肩膀夹着伞柄,在池塘边反复拍不畏暴雨摧残的睡莲和水葫芦。走入公园深处,居然看见“黑色暴雨”警告,躲在小亭子里的工作人员没有赶我走,只是用异样的眼光目送我。幸好湿地没大树,不然电闪雷鸣就很危险。

总算在观鸟屋里看到了一些活人:年龄不等的男人若干,个个长枪大炮,照相机或望远镜。这些观鸟爱好者也很忘我。

通过公用望远镜看远处水塘中的水鸟,感觉很奇怪。因为听不见鸟叫,天水皆为灰色,好像在看一部黑白默片,那些鸟儿悠然觅食,或飞或游,悄无声息。有个人说公用望远镜太烂,借给我他自己的望远镜,视觉效果大幅提升。以前都想不出观鸟有什么好玩的 -- 鸟儿又不能抱抱 -- 这次才了解,原来观鸟有种窥私的新奇感!鉴于距离遥远,没有打扰到鸟类,它们的活动比较接近原生态。呆看它们动来动去,心情安宁。

那……我怎么舍得不拍照呢?受单反照相机镜头限制,没法透过望远镜拍。但我发现iPhone可以神奇地捕捉望远镜里的景象。但由于放大倍数很高,并要让两个镜头的焦距在一直线且对焦足够清晰,这对把iPhone之镜头对准望远镜之目镜的精确把握度要求极高,在按下快门的一瞬间影象往往已经偏离模糊。我屡败屡战,以量取胜,拍了上百张,感到头晕目眩,离开时甚至有点恶心。

雨还是那么大,穿着湿透的鞋子和裤子真难受。更加残酷的是,在拍完一张水珠照片之后,之前拍的照片全不见了。镜头也受潮,一片水汽。坐在快餐店,我有点郁闷。但也不是很郁闷,因为我分裂人格的另一半有些得意:这就是你自虐的结果!吃了这么多苦头拍的照片不见了,就是要印证一切是空的道理,进一步解除我的执著。

虽然略感不适,我决定继续去“屏山文物径”一游。这也是正常人懒得参与的活动,当初去旅游局拿地图介绍,都是从里间找给我的。

下了轻铁,直奔天水围站外的聚星楼。这个600岁的六角形宝塔底楼有个阿婆看门,听不懂国语,用粤语跟我聊天,我也硬着头皮说了若干句,嘻嘻。好歹前后在香港也呆了半年,临走终于开口了!

经过路边供奉土地公的社坛、穿过几个村落(所谓围村 -– 香港一带古村落都造有低矮石头围墙一圈,以防御强盗倭寇,因此都叫某某围),历史悠久的围墙和建筑上贴着写着吉利话的纸条。日晒雨淋的,“鸿禧”两字显得有些没落。

杨侯古庙在一小山坡上。我在这一进三间的小房子里躲了会儿雨。据说供的是侯王、土地和金花娘娘。网上查得,侯王是个宋末忠臣,为了保护皇帝而牺牲了。金花娘娘则是广东地区的送子女神。最滑稽的是庙前一香案,熙熙攘攘地挤了5个红脸关公、4个观音、3个光头老寿星、财神若干、还有几个神像只是脸熟。一股香烟在众神间袅袅升起。香港人民为了祈求好运,真是贪心啊。这种朴实的民俗在浅水湾那里体现得更为盛大。

屏山地区是邓氏家族的聚居地,宗祠不小。我好奇,为何广东安徽地区的家族宗祠很多,规模大过庙宇;而江浙一带,很少看见这样的。是江浙传统不重家族而重菩萨呢?还是“文革”时把家族祠堂都毁了?

努力爬山,来到另一小山包顶上的奶油色二层西式建筑,以前是警署,现为文物馆。转到后山,发现山下是个墓园。在这个湿淋淋的阴沉下午,作为这里唯一的活人,我还是赶紧离开罢。

好在觐廷书室与相连的清暑轩是很具特色的百年青砖建筑,有颜色大胆鲜艳的繁复装饰,非常漂亮。前者是读书之处,后者是招待读书人的客房。看了一整天的灰暗,有这样一个令人振奋的亮点,真好。这时,雨也停了,照相机也干了,恢复了工作,我心情大好。清暑轩里灯光昏暗,在老梳妆台的镜子里看到自己,觉得很有趣,自拍若干。后来人家问我,你不怕吗?镜子好像也有点摄人魂魄的意思,这么多年,谁知道它还照到什么故事呢。

我高高兴兴地往回走。烟纸店里的老头很悠闲,门口的狗趴着发呆。我回头一望,云层间露出一小块可爱的蓝天。我立刻在Facebook上更新自己的状态:All is well that ends well.

经过西铁站内占爬满巧克力色小毛泽东的红宝书pop art 雕塑,我踏上漫漫归途。到了家,我就倒下了,并且发烧了。愚蠢的文艺小说里,男女主角分手总要在雨天,而且必有一人受到刺激出去淋雨然后病倒。我向来觉得这样的情节俗不可耐;但今天看来,淋雨生病还是有一点儿科学道理的。幸好没有把毛羊带出去与我一起受苦。

又冷又热地在沙发上睡了一阵,昏昏沉沉地想起来,最好在离开香港前吃一顿正宗的烧味。软绵绵地下了楼,发现元朗的雨云跑回来中环,又下雨了。烧味店古色古香,又金又红。店外淅淅沥沥,店里没什么客人。伙计们自己也开始吃晚饭,并聊着天。我疲倦地靠在火车座,等我的烧鸭粥。这种气氛好像某个电影,什么大事就要发生了--烧鸭粥好难吃。

我真是有病啊,本来就讨厌烧味,更觉得橱窗里挂着的无头烧鸡和烧鸭丑恶不堪,大肚子、尖屁股、缩手缩脚,遍体油光,可以用obscene 来形容;但还偏偏最后吃它一次。真该为自己强迫症想法感到羞耻,为什么总要勉强自己把什么事都试一遍呢?这和一切是空的见地是违背的。

我不是一个好的谈话伙伴,在别人跟我讨论其纠结时,似乎很严重的事我听来很琐碎。第一,万事皆有trade-off,没有万全之策。第二,我们最后都要死的,这般上心这样计算有什么用?可是,我也被指出了我的自相矛盾。既然这样,为何我如此执著于体验一下各种事情,热衷于拍照、然后一丝不苟兢兢业业地用PS调曲线、整理、选择?这也很没意思。我承认,弄照片的时候已经觉得机械无趣,弄完后,更觉空虚。

说到底,大家都在无谓的执著。我执著于人家觉得无聊的东西,我还觉得人家无聊。相安无事就好了,谁也别管谁。每次某种“正常人”吃饱了撑的居高临下地问我怎么没有按部就班地像他们那样过日子,我就想说,因为我不想变成你这副蠢样。如果真能这样说出来就爽了,但我总是太客气太装了。

不论如何,于天水之间在天水围一带混了一整天,还是值得纪念。结尾部分的小恙还增添了一笔微贱的文艺色调,有点搞。