Life is a random walk

because of the stupid tax thing, i am today forced to think about retirement.  i never bothered to know those terms and rules; just saw IRS and 401K taking a chunk of my salary.  though i’m no longer that aspiring in my work (or maybe i have been daydreaming about something else totally irrelevant), i thought i still have a future.  but what the hell, i am forced to think about retirement today.  that seems to tell me, well, your future will be exactly the same as your present.  so it is time to think.

like many people, i always say i don’t wanna work; i just wanna hang out.  well, retirement is the time when you can fully hang out.  but that is not something i can picture now; i just lack in imagination – there are other stages of life i can’t imagine myself to be in whereas they are so natural to others.  guess i am mentally challenged in this regard.

but the stupid tax makes me think where i will end up in the long run.  they say one has to be the master of one’s destiny.  i envy people who know so well what they want and where they want to be.  i just don’t know.  there is nothing that i’m dying for because well, everything is impermanent, so why get so obsessed and focused.  absence of a clear preference and expectation of changes make an early decision difficult.  looking back at my life so far- i didn’t plan to study in the U.S. until i studied for GRE due to a misunderstanding for something else. in order not to waste the efforts and the test result, i applied for grad school in U.S…  then a mechanical click on Submission button of my resume, after numerous same clicks sending my resume to numerous places, brought me to WB.  And then simply because other people’s turnover, i was asked to come back to China.  and now WB is WFB.

the stupid tax thing is making me ask myself where i want to end up. that also contains the question, how i want to end up?  sounds like a big decision, something i have been ignoring because 1. i really don’t know, 2. i’m scared, 3. i may want a totally differnet life but am pissed off that i don’t know what i want -- so i am shutting down.

i suddenly think of a stupid best seller – Purpose Drive Life. simply the title puts me off.  i hate all those self-help advice books or powerpoints preaching the wisdoms of life – they are just cliche and brainwashing crap.  a woman held as hostage read a chapter of this book to her captor and he let her out later.  you would think this is a magic book straight from god.  no, it turned out she also made him pancake and gave him crystal methamphetamine (illegal). i love the humor of this story.

it occurs to me that life with no purpose is the real human condition (that no one wants to admit to) – no wonder it sucks to plan for and commit to a future when everything is subject to change.  no wonder that book is a best seller -- exactly because people can’t find a purpose.

and my answer to tax/retirement is “whatever”.